90210

So, judging by this episode, I think people have been underestimating the potential Freaks & Geeks-ness of this new 90210. I remember reading that Gabe Sachs and Jeff Judah were writing it, and being all, "Really? 9021o will be like Freaks & Geeks? Why aren't people more excited about that?" I guess maybe that got lost in the shuffle of the "omgnew90210" stuff, but judging by the first 20 minutes of this show, it's highly, HIGHLY zany. Everything is supposed to be a joke, at least at this point- Jessica Walter in the first scene! Cut-aways to the lead singing Rogers & Hammerstein! Zaniness to the maxxx, y'all! It's like a funny Degrassi.

VIDEO GAMES TELL THE FUTURE

Do the Japanese programmers behind a popular video game series know something we don't? Probably lots of things! Like how to program a videogame! But do they also know. . . .THE FUTURE?!

The 2004 video game "Ace Combat 5: The Unsung War" is a flight simulator, built around a war between a tiny nation, Osea, and a neighboring powerhouse, The Union of Yuktobanian States. They have a territorial dispute. Hrm, what does this remind anyone of. . . perhaps the breakaway Georgian Republic, Ossetia, that's sparked a war with Russian! Osea, Ossetia; The Union of Yuktobanian States, The Russian Federation?! Also, there's been a suspicious amount of air combat between Georgia and Russia in this one-day war, with Georgia losing 10 fighters and Russia losing two. VIDEO GAME PROGRAMMERS KNOW THE FUTURE!!

I, for one, quake in anticipation of the rabid aliens, zombies, and Nintendogs that will soon overwhelm our cities.

War, real and fake.

hey i was having trouble thinking today

so i wrote this:

FART STICKS AROUND POO TOWN

(POO TOWN) – Pootians were flabberghasted Tuesday by a fart stick spill on Stinkway #2, the town’s main thoroughfare (for poop). “It just boggles the [asshole] that a trusted fart stick delivery driver could be so careless,” said Squishy Stinktonian, a lifelong Pootian. “What is my son, Hard Gas, going to eat for lunch now?”

WACKY REGIONAL HEADLINES

In the course of my work, I peruse the web page of many a small-town paper, and let me tell you, shit out there in America is crazy. From Bethlehem, PA's Express Times:

Recent thefts target stores that carry high-end meats

The rest of the story suggests that "The desperate need for drugs and the cash to buy them" is prompting "addicts" to walk into high-end grocery stories (the story is illustrated with a truly banal photo of a Wegman's), load up their shopping carts and walk out. Now, I'm not sure exactly how that would get you money for meth - second-hand meat selling? Passing your grocery savings on to your meth habit?

To me, this sounds a lot more like the behavior of cash-strapped suburbanites unwilling to give up their designer lifestyle along with that house that was foreclosed on. In other words, sounds like someone has been watching The Riches a bit too much.

Deaden your brain with the full story here

What the fuck is up with Nestor Carbonell?

Just got back from The Dark Knight, which is great, blah blah. BUT! What the fuck is up with Nestor Carbonell? Nestor, who is one of The Others on Lost, and was also on Suddenly Susan (will anyone but me admit to having watched that but me?), has about a dozen lines as Gotham's Mayor. Which I had a hard time focusing on because of his CRAZY EYES.


Hey ALWAYS, ALWAYS looks like he has on too much eyeliner. I used to just think the makeup people on Lost decided that guyliner is ominous, and in light of Pete Wentz's continued existance, I somewhat agree. But, the above is just him out somewhere normal. AND he has it in The Dark Knight. Does he have that shit tattooed on? Does he insist on wearing it in all productions? Like he thinks it's his trademark look or something (Fonzi - leather jacket, Hillary - pantsuit, Nestor Carbonell - inexplicably pronounced eyeliner)? Is he an Egyptian prince, perhaps? Is this some kind of crazy naturally occuring phenominon? Carbonellisis? Nestor's Eye? Please, Jesus, someone help me out.

New Electric Company?

Ex - - citing. Exciting! I was pleasantly surprised to see this notice tacked up in Manhattan the other day saying that there's a new version of 1970s kidstraviganza "The Electric Company" in production. Did we all know this was happening already? I didn't, a little Googling turned up next to nothing. I just feel like I've stumbled upon a fantastic discovery, like when I found that my copy of All Things Must Pass had a gigantic poster of George Harrison inside. Please don't destroy this feeling, it's all I have.

There was, for some reason, a poster above the usual parking notice with further explanation. This is something the producers at Law & Order and Gossip Girl don't feel the need to do, but I guess everyone at Sesame Workshop takes their social responsibility seriously. Text in part is below.

"Sesame Workshop is launching a new season of The Electric Company this year on PBS. We are excited to be reviving a missed children's educational televison series that was very popular in the 1970s. Similar to the original series, the new series strives to encourage the language and vocabular development for children age's [sic] six to nine."

You might want to exert a bit more quality control over these location department notices guys - a grammatical error and an overall lack of verve? Tsk, tsk.

"The hammer is my penis"

Please go and watch this now. Actually it might be gone soon, so you may have to buy it on iTunes, or beam it from the Oort Cloud, or whatever form of media acquisitive is in vogue and the moment you're seeing this. It's "Dr. Horrible," the amazing musical adventures of the evil in one man's heart. Masterfully performed by Neil Patrick Harris, and amazingly put-together, as usual, by the most amazing geek alive, Joss Whedon. Download it to your retinal implants post-haste.

Wild abandon

It's not often that I am totally totally blown away by a show, but I gotta admit that this Ponytail/Woods/Pocahaunted/Pink Reason show the other day totally sauteed my brain. Pocahaunted and Pink Reason were a little spacey for me - I told some guy that Pocahaunted reminded me of Double Leopard while I was in line for the bathroom, and he made a face like "whhaaa?" and I was totally embarrassed, and then while I was peeing I realized that I meant The Double and not Double Leopard, but instead of bursting out of the bathroom and shouting "THE DOUBLE!" which I seriously considered, I just let it go.

Anyway, Ponytail and Woods were the total standouts. Woods, who look a little geeky (no offense, dudes), make this psych/indierock hybrid, where they'll be in a pretty standard rock/pop song model, and then just kind of freak out for about three minutes. Also, the singer sings in this crazy falsetto that was emotional sometimes and just really nutty other times. But I really liked them.

PONYTAIL, though. Ponytail are sweaty dance magic. Ponytail are a non-cynical !!! fronted by Bjork singing in the style of Sigur Ros. Ponytail is noise music with a melody that you can dance to. It's psychadelic music you can listen to without sitting down. It's dance music that isn't boring or annoying. It's rock music that isn't boring or annoying. I was about 5 beers and into the evening by the time they came on, but I could not stop dancing, I could not stop having fun, I could not stop being not depressed, and that's a pretty neat trick.

THANK Y'ALL FOR VOTIN

If you'd asked me if I had anything approaching expectations of quality when I first started drunkenly watching NBC's Nashville Star 10 minutes ago, I would have laughed. Ridiculous, as I expect nothing but total and utter boring, derivative shit. How could Nashville Star actually disappoint someone who expected so very little from it? Well, brothers and sisters, I can report that this show actually fails to meet even the most modest expectations of televised entertainment. The look on Jewel's face as she tries to mentor these slithering aspiring fameballs says it all. "JESUS," it seems to say, "How have you managed to get yourself in a position to have a multi-platinum musician who despite her book of cheerleader-depth poetry actually was somewhat interesting in some way at a point in time not all that long ago (me) despite your utter lack of performing or vocal skills? Like FOR REALZ." And I would, just this once, have to agree with Jewel's face.

Jess, for real, stop talking

So there's been a lot of Jessica Alba on TV lately; HBO just started showing the second Fantastic Four movie, and right!now!, the SciFi Channel has a Dark Angel marathon on. Remember that show? Produced by James Cameron, Alba stars as a sort of bionic woman. It's also the answer to the question "Where the fuck did Jessica Alba come from?" Anyway, it reminded me that she is the worst actress in the world. Sometimes I forget, as I've basically never seen any of her movies (save like Sin City, but hammy, one-note acting doesn't really pop out in that film), but she is so horrible that you have to wonder how she ever got that first job, which allowed her to coast on hotness to this very day. Even single words, like "chill!" or "buddy" are endless grating and false when they spill from those lips of hers. I know I'm just supposed to want to bang her or whatever, but I honestly cannot get past how shitty her movies are. It's like if they sold a single really nice shirt in Abercrombie & Fitch; I just can't brave the music and the homoeroticism long enough to get to it.

So, allow me to offer you some advice, Jess: Stop talking. Get some endorsement contracts, sell those baby pictures to a magazine, and only take small, small film parts. Save all that money, and that's it. You win, and are lusted after and rich and happy indefinitely. No more Into The Blues or Good Luck Chucks, please. Also, this way, we won't be having to stare at your withered, lifeless naked body in ten or 15 years when your appeal starts to slip and moths start flying out of your wallet every time you open it, and the only way to make the money you KNOW you DESERVE is to go all the way. Not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular [coughSHARONSTONEcoughcough].

Commenting Internationally

THEY SAID MY NAME ON THE BBC OMG. Originally I was going to act like embarrassed about this, and humble, but fuck that, because I was totally jumping up and down, in literal, actual fact.

Allow me to back up: they did some story about accents on the BBC World Service this morning, which I listen to most days, because I am totally gay for news. I had a thought relating to this story, so I sent them an email right away, knowing that they read these retarded, retarded listener emails on air all the goddamn time. AND! Not five minutes later, I hear "Chris . . . from New York says" and it was what I said, as they were READING MY EMAIL ON THE BBC. I realize that this is like the lamest of kind of reflected glory, but I don't care, because this is all I get, so fuck you.

EXPECTED TO MAKE $400 MILLION ITS FIRST WEEK

I just heard my second NPR story about Grand Theft Auto 4 this morning. Gawker is of course all about it lately, both editorially and in the ad space, although I'm sure that's just a coincidence, kids. The New York Times has a big feature, as does Radar; generally, it's all over.

But!

Now I don't dispute that this game looks awesome. Although honestly I have played 4 or 5 of these games, and I invariably get bored about 3/4 of the way through. I only finish them because I've come to loathe the game so intensely by the point at which I become bored that to let it triumph over me is unbearable. That aside, all I can really quibble with about the remarkable depth and breadth of this coverage (a raise to Rockstar's publicist, please!) is that figure in the headline, which I've heard in both NPR stories, seems somewhat suspect. I am sure there are plenty of figures they have available about past sales and pre-orders, but any broker will be happy to tell you that past results do not guarantee future performance. It's not even that I think this figure is wrong, even, I just cannot imagine how you arrive at a number like that. I'm sure the producers of Leatherheads expected a $40 million opening weekend, but even they held off from sending that number around. But I'm sure NPR wouldn't just pull a number from a press release and recite it as gospel, right? I'm sure they had their own video game sales analysts go over that. Right?

KARATE DEATH WEDDING

I am usually in favor of getting drunk everywhere, all the time. Even if it ends badly, at least you got to be drunk during the bad part. You feel me? But perhaps this completely boring couple (dentist and wife) from this completely boring place (PITTSBURGH) should have just like, had a few less? Fox news tells us:

"The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn — and escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid."

Yes, surprisingly, the man who karate kicked his new bride as they were about to go to bed on the night of their wedding was drunk. Several thrown planters and a night in jail later, the man, David W. Wielechowski, left jail " alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe." That is just so fucking poetic that I want to cry for futility of love all over my philosophy library (which is huge, because I'm a genius).

so gay omg

I was in a coffee shop in my neighborhood here yesterday, and I was replying to an email about a job opening. I was agonizing and agonizing over whether or not to include a little joke sentence, or to just say, "Meet you there," etc. I had spoken with this woman on the phone, and we got along well, and her email had something whimsical in the subject line about "seeing sights," so I felt like I should say something non-worky. I work in PR, so thoughts like these, hitting email tonality exactly correctly, is kind of my thing. I finally decide to say:

"I hope I have a less cloudy day than today for sight-seeing!"

I look at it, and I shake my head, and I say, "That is so gay," as I'm erasing it. I had my headphones on, and I may have spoken a bit loudly in the cafe, which was otherwise deathly quiet. I look up, and I see someone in the cafe is like staring at me with her mouth open, like how in the WORLD could I say something that offensive. And honestly I NEVER say "that is so gay," I'm not one of those people who say that reflexively about a million things. And I admit it is a stupid and offensive thing to say, and I totally felt like an asshole for having said it. But, I mean, "I hope I have a less cloudy day than today for sight-seeing!"?!?!!?! That is honestly such a gay sentence. It's either gay, or it's like something my mother would say. I guess I should have said "That is so Mom," but I didn't think of it first. My bust, universe. My bust.

Seriously?

This is a big deal? Really? God, is it 1999 again? OMG Britney Spears is wearing shorts in Rolling Stone! There are Bratz dolls everywhere, they're going to turn your girls into sluts! Don't let them watch Friends!

changed my life, man

So I was trolling some blogs yesterday, as I’m wont to do (beats working! etc). I ran across this MP3 of Judas Priest on Idolator, which was until very recently a Gawker blog. Under Nick Denton’s thumb, they were for some reason unable or unwilling to take part in the avalanche of free music that indie and major labels are currently trying to shove inside the internet. They were just bought by Buzznet (who also recently bought Stereogum), and the very first evidence of a change came yesterday in the form the MP3 of the title track from Judas Priest’s new album, Nostrodamus. To me, Judas Priest was that semi-lame “Breakin’ The Law” song, but I clicked it, because why the hell not.

And. Wow. It was just the right mix of insanity and amazing guitar work to make me think, “If the 2008 record is this good, the old ones must be amazing.” And Jesus Christ, is that true. I bought “Stained Class,” a 1978 record that AMG called “their best record of the ‘70s.” And. Wow. I have basically not stopped listening to it.

Honestly I feel like a changed man. There was Judas Priest out there this whole time, and I didn't even know! I was buying records that I THOUGHT rocked and I THOUGHT I knew what I was talking about, with my Radio Birdman and Motorhead and Slayer. But then there was Judas Priest. I'm just. . . I'm just so sorry I've neglected you, Priesty. Let's go ride motorcycles through a post-apocalyptic war zone under a blood red sky and really get to know each other.

People in the media like to give Michelle Obama shit. But I just think that's so ridiculous. Basically, I have a hard time believing that anyone in the media actually disagrees with anything she or her husband say. But they imagine that other people would disagree, so they cover it that way. Because who but an enlightened member of our 4th Estate could possibly understand or agree with people as intelligent as the Obamas? Why just the fact that they like them so much must mean that they're elitists! Despite all those votes Barack gets, and all that money he raises from small donations, and all that talk about poverty. Elitist, for sure.

Does it undercut my argument if I talk about how much I like her hair? Hopefully not, because I love that goddamn do.

Spot the Differences

One's a preachy cartoon that's gone on way too long, and the other's in the newspaper.

Lame, dude

Why is everything so lame? Like, do you remember when things were cool? Seems like forever ago, man. Noadays, you can't go and buy a 50 cent bag of Dorritos without being reminded how shitty everything is. It's not like I can point to one dude and be like, "Look, it's that motherfucker's fault everything in here is depressing and metaphorically ass-scented," you know? It's just a feeling I have. But I motherfucking dare you to step to me and disagree. I DARE YOU.

The Best Place on the Internet

There is a lot of crazy shit out there, people. Gawker rules, of course. The New Shelton Wet/Dry. Fartbot.com, which has a particularly insane holder page with the text:

"In brief, you should know the following about us: our company was established in the year 2004 and had been responsible for passersby were amazed at the amount of blood ever since. Our regular customers particularly value open hostility. "

Jesus Christ!

But it all pales in comparison to what I found tonight: FuckYou.Blogspot.com. It has one entry, from 2000, and it's fucking bleak. Let's just hope this person, Corey, is still alive. Because if you had a blog in fucking 2000, you were some kind of crazy loner dork. I'm sorry, I meant "new media visionary." Anway, please please check it out

Stuff White People Like

Is it too white of me to like Paul Simon? Is it too white of me to be self-conscious about being too white? I don't listen to it all the time or anything, I was just having some Chablis and working on my taxes, having a few cucumber sandwiches, and I just thought it seemed appropriate.

Wizard Rock

So lately I've been super into this genre of music I will call Wizard Rock. These songs have amazing guitarmonies. They may melt your face and/or shoot you into space on a rocket made out of fuzz and vintage synths. When songs aren't explicitly about magic or epic battles on the bank of a river of a specific color (white, black, hopefully red), you probably can't tell what they're about. Because there is so much feedback, and you're so high. These are songs to paint a van mural to. I highly reccomend Witchcraft, The Sword, and Danava. I put links in like a real web site!

For an older man to have sex with an underage girl—do you see that as immoral?" he was asked. "Rephrase the question," [R.] Kelly said. The reporter said: "For an older man to have sex with an underage girl—someone under 17—do you see that as immoral, if they're in love?" Kelly responded: "I really can't be the judge of that."

(above, recently-released images of 16-year-old Angelina Jolie's first modeling shoot, courtesy In Touch )

omg john wtf

You have no idea how much I want to like this John Adams show. I was in a production of in 1776 high school. I read this great book Miracle in Philadelphia in high school about the writing of the constitution (which admittedly did not involve John Adams), it was one of those books where you supposed to read it over the summer, but who does that? I did, because I love American history. I even bought this fucking book that's the basis for this show for my father for Christmas one year, although I'll admit I didn't read it.

So it is with a heavy heart, brothers, that I tell you this show sucks dick. Like, why is every shot a fucking canted angle? Is this Battlefield Earth? Lighting sucks as well. "Visually hateful" would be the words I'd use. And why is it that the big, dramatic scenes have overly modern-sounding dialogue that is not very carefully written, while the small, intimate scenes have overly clunky revolutionary times talk? That's backwards! Write the small scenes so they'll have believable emotional impact and fill those big scenes with as much purple prose as you possibly can. I suspect that they lifted a lot of the dialogue between John and Abigail from the letters they wrote each other, but that shit sounds a little silly whispered into someone's ear. "John - I do entreat you to comport yourself with the utmost care!" is not sexy bedroom talk. This one is up there with The Alien and Sedition acts for well-meaning but horrendous mistakes involving John Adams.

I am a little gay for WIlliam F. Buckley

Not that I'm a Republican. Or gay, for that matter. I just read this thing on PopMatters about him, so I'm going to be unconsciously plagiarising it (is that actually not a word?). I realize that I don't agree with him on most things, or possibly would even enjoy his company, but he's just sort of an outrageous character to me. Also I like how he dressed. I think I like this deeply intellectual political figure because of the most superficial possible reasons, and I'm okay with that. Nice suit and turn of phrase, you patrician son of a bitch.

It's Raining Unicorns

And I'm just going outside to drink it the fuck up.

Decisions Are Hard

And yet they are essential.

Word Nerd

One of our youngest contestants

Suspended Indefinitely

Extremely Violent

Roy Scheider, 1935 - 2008

Over the weekend, sun dappled, windswept men and those who love them lost an icon in Roy Scheider. Over a four-decade career, he portrayed Cassandra-like sherriff Martin Brody in Jaws, more-or-less Bob Fossee in All That Jazz, and, of course, the rough-but-cuddly Captain Nathan Bridger in America's finest submarine action show, SeaQuest DSV.

Whether negotiating a peace deal in Micronesia, mourning his dead son, communicating with aliens, or just playing frisbee on the beach, Captain Bridger exuded the kind of quiet authority that kept his crew in line through many a time-traveling, giant-robot-battling adventure under the ocean and. . . not under the ocean. Seaquest was (or WILL BE, since it's set in the future) the most heavily-armed boat under the water, and also they could talk to dolphins.


Seaquest was, more than anything, a huge liberal wet dream (wet! Get it!). It came on the air in 1993, when Bill Clinton was still just about (!!) to eradicate all prejudices, save the rainforests and the whales, establish universal health care, and continue being an awesome pot head. Any crazy liberal fantasy seemed plausible. As such, the crew of Seaquest were the foot soliders of the much-feared ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT that Ron Paul freaks are always going on about, the United Earth Oceans, except they were in a black submarine and not a black helicopter. Meat was outlawed because cow flatulence was bad for the atmosphere. The army was mostly made up of sensible and sensitive people who just wanted to live in peace. Also mostly everyone lived underwater for reasons that weren't global warming. For fun, I guess? I salute you, Captain Nathan Bridger, and I salute you Roy Scheider, for bringing this man to life. I also enjoyed you in 2010: The Year We Make Contact, the sequel to 2001 that I watched on my local Fox affiliate one Saturday afternoon. Thanks!

It was fun to see my family

but sometimes they make me feel boring.

Delimanjoo!