Jess, for real, stop talking

So there's been a lot of Jessica Alba on TV lately; HBO just started showing the second Fantastic Four movie, and right!now!, the SciFi Channel has a Dark Angel marathon on. Remember that show? Produced by James Cameron, Alba stars as a sort of bionic woman. It's also the answer to the question "Where the fuck did Jessica Alba come from?" Anyway, it reminded me that she is the worst actress in the world. Sometimes I forget, as I've basically never seen any of her movies (save like Sin City, but hammy, one-note acting doesn't really pop out in that film), but she is so horrible that you have to wonder how she ever got that first job, which allowed her to coast on hotness to this very day. Even single words, like "chill!" or "buddy" are endless grating and false when they spill from those lips of hers. I know I'm just supposed to want to bang her or whatever, but I honestly cannot get past how shitty her movies are. It's like if they sold a single really nice shirt in Abercrombie & Fitch; I just can't brave the music and the homoeroticism long enough to get to it.

So, allow me to offer you some advice, Jess: Stop talking. Get some endorsement contracts, sell those baby pictures to a magazine, and only take small, small film parts. Save all that money, and that's it. You win, and are lusted after and rich and happy indefinitely. No more Into The Blues or Good Luck Chucks, please. Also, this way, we won't be having to stare at your withered, lifeless naked body in ten or 15 years when your appeal starts to slip and moths start flying out of your wallet every time you open it, and the only way to make the money you KNOW you DESERVE is to go all the way. Not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular [coughSHARONSTONEcoughcough].

Commenting Internationally

THEY SAID MY NAME ON THE BBC OMG. Originally I was going to act like embarrassed about this, and humble, but fuck that, because I was totally jumping up and down, in literal, actual fact.

Allow me to back up: they did some story about accents on the BBC World Service this morning, which I listen to most days, because I am totally gay for news. I had a thought relating to this story, so I sent them an email right away, knowing that they read these retarded, retarded listener emails on air all the goddamn time. AND! Not five minutes later, I hear "Chris . . . from New York says" and it was what I said, as they were READING MY EMAIL ON THE BBC. I realize that this is like the lamest of kind of reflected glory, but I don't care, because this is all I get, so fuck you.