Wild abandon

It's not often that I am totally totally blown away by a show, but I gotta admit that this Ponytail/Woods/Pocahaunted/Pink Reason show the other day totally sauteed my brain. Pocahaunted and Pink Reason were a little spacey for me - I told some guy that Pocahaunted reminded me of Double Leopard while I was in line for the bathroom, and he made a face like "whhaaa?" and I was totally embarrassed, and then while I was peeing I realized that I meant The Double and not Double Leopard, but instead of bursting out of the bathroom and shouting "THE DOUBLE!" which I seriously considered, I just let it go.

Anyway, Ponytail and Woods were the total standouts. Woods, who look a little geeky (no offense, dudes), make this psych/indierock hybrid, where they'll be in a pretty standard rock/pop song model, and then just kind of freak out for about three minutes. Also, the singer sings in this crazy falsetto that was emotional sometimes and just really nutty other times. But I really liked them.

PONYTAIL, though. Ponytail are sweaty dance magic. Ponytail are a non-cynical !!! fronted by Bjork singing in the style of Sigur Ros. Ponytail is noise music with a melody that you can dance to. It's psychadelic music you can listen to without sitting down. It's dance music that isn't boring or annoying. It's rock music that isn't boring or annoying. I was about 5 beers and into the evening by the time they came on, but I could not stop dancing, I could not stop having fun, I could not stop being not depressed, and that's a pretty neat trick.

THANK Y'ALL FOR VOTIN

If you'd asked me if I had anything approaching expectations of quality when I first started drunkenly watching NBC's Nashville Star 10 minutes ago, I would have laughed. Ridiculous, as I expect nothing but total and utter boring, derivative shit. How could Nashville Star actually disappoint someone who expected so very little from it? Well, brothers and sisters, I can report that this show actually fails to meet even the most modest expectations of televised entertainment. The look on Jewel's face as she tries to mentor these slithering aspiring fameballs says it all. "JESUS," it seems to say, "How have you managed to get yourself in a position to have a multi-platinum musician who despite her book of cheerleader-depth poetry actually was somewhat interesting in some way at a point in time not all that long ago (me) despite your utter lack of performing or vocal skills? Like FOR REALZ." And I would, just this once, have to agree with Jewel's face.

Jess, for real, stop talking

So there's been a lot of Jessica Alba on TV lately; HBO just started showing the second Fantastic Four movie, and right!now!, the SciFi Channel has a Dark Angel marathon on. Remember that show? Produced by James Cameron, Alba stars as a sort of bionic woman. It's also the answer to the question "Where the fuck did Jessica Alba come from?" Anyway, it reminded me that she is the worst actress in the world. Sometimes I forget, as I've basically never seen any of her movies (save like Sin City, but hammy, one-note acting doesn't really pop out in that film), but she is so horrible that you have to wonder how she ever got that first job, which allowed her to coast on hotness to this very day. Even single words, like "chill!" or "buddy" are endless grating and false when they spill from those lips of hers. I know I'm just supposed to want to bang her or whatever, but I honestly cannot get past how shitty her movies are. It's like if they sold a single really nice shirt in Abercrombie & Fitch; I just can't brave the music and the homoeroticism long enough to get to it.

So, allow me to offer you some advice, Jess: Stop talking. Get some endorsement contracts, sell those baby pictures to a magazine, and only take small, small film parts. Save all that money, and that's it. You win, and are lusted after and rich and happy indefinitely. No more Into The Blues or Good Luck Chucks, please. Also, this way, we won't be having to stare at your withered, lifeless naked body in ten or 15 years when your appeal starts to slip and moths start flying out of your wallet every time you open it, and the only way to make the money you KNOW you DESERVE is to go all the way. Not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular [coughSHARONSTONEcoughcough].

Commenting Internationally

THEY SAID MY NAME ON THE BBC OMG. Originally I was going to act like embarrassed about this, and humble, but fuck that, because I was totally jumping up and down, in literal, actual fact.

Allow me to back up: they did some story about accents on the BBC World Service this morning, which I listen to most days, because I am totally gay for news. I had a thought relating to this story, so I sent them an email right away, knowing that they read these retarded, retarded listener emails on air all the goddamn time. AND! Not five minutes later, I hear "Chris . . . from New York says" and it was what I said, as they were READING MY EMAIL ON THE BBC. I realize that this is like the lamest of kind of reflected glory, but I don't care, because this is all I get, so fuck you.

EXPECTED TO MAKE $400 MILLION ITS FIRST WEEK

I just heard my second NPR story about Grand Theft Auto 4 this morning. Gawker is of course all about it lately, both editorially and in the ad space, although I'm sure that's just a coincidence, kids. The New York Times has a big feature, as does Radar; generally, it's all over.

But!

Now I don't dispute that this game looks awesome. Although honestly I have played 4 or 5 of these games, and I invariably get bored about 3/4 of the way through. I only finish them because I've come to loathe the game so intensely by the point at which I become bored that to let it triumph over me is unbearable. That aside, all I can really quibble with about the remarkable depth and breadth of this coverage (a raise to Rockstar's publicist, please!) is that figure in the headline, which I've heard in both NPR stories, seems somewhat suspect. I am sure there are plenty of figures they have available about past sales and pre-orders, but any broker will be happy to tell you that past results do not guarantee future performance. It's not even that I think this figure is wrong, even, I just cannot imagine how you arrive at a number like that. I'm sure the producers of Leatherheads expected a $40 million opening weekend, but even they held off from sending that number around. But I'm sure NPR wouldn't just pull a number from a press release and recite it as gospel, right? I'm sure they had their own video game sales analysts go over that. Right?

KARATE DEATH WEDDING

I am usually in favor of getting drunk everywhere, all the time. Even if it ends badly, at least you got to be drunk during the bad part. You feel me? But perhaps this completely boring couple (dentist and wife) from this completely boring place (PITTSBURGH) should have just like, had a few less? Fox news tells us:

"The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn — and escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid."

Yes, surprisingly, the man who karate kicked his new bride as they were about to go to bed on the night of their wedding was drunk. Several thrown planters and a night in jail later, the man, David W. Wielechowski, left jail " alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe." That is just so fucking poetic that I want to cry for futility of love all over my philosophy library (which is huge, because I'm a genius).

so gay omg

I was in a coffee shop in my neighborhood here yesterday, and I was replying to an email about a job opening. I was agonizing and agonizing over whether or not to include a little joke sentence, or to just say, "Meet you there," etc. I had spoken with this woman on the phone, and we got along well, and her email had something whimsical in the subject line about "seeing sights," so I felt like I should say something non-worky. I work in PR, so thoughts like these, hitting email tonality exactly correctly, is kind of my thing. I finally decide to say:

"I hope I have a less cloudy day than today for sight-seeing!"

I look at it, and I shake my head, and I say, "That is so gay," as I'm erasing it. I had my headphones on, and I may have spoken a bit loudly in the cafe, which was otherwise deathly quiet. I look up, and I see someone in the cafe is like staring at me with her mouth open, like how in the WORLD could I say something that offensive. And honestly I NEVER say "that is so gay," I'm not one of those people who say that reflexively about a million things. And I admit it is a stupid and offensive thing to say, and I totally felt like an asshole for having said it. But, I mean, "I hope I have a less cloudy day than today for sight-seeing!"?!?!!?! That is honestly such a gay sentence. It's either gay, or it's like something my mother would say. I guess I should have said "That is so Mom," but I didn't think of it first. My bust, universe. My bust.