EXPECTED TO MAKE $400 MILLION ITS FIRST WEEK

I just heard my second NPR story about Grand Theft Auto 4 this morning. Gawker is of course all about it lately, both editorially and in the ad space, although I'm sure that's just a coincidence, kids. The New York Times has a big feature, as does Radar; generally, it's all over.

But!

Now I don't dispute that this game looks awesome. Although honestly I have played 4 or 5 of these games, and I invariably get bored about 3/4 of the way through. I only finish them because I've come to loathe the game so intensely by the point at which I become bored that to let it triumph over me is unbearable. That aside, all I can really quibble with about the remarkable depth and breadth of this coverage (a raise to Rockstar's publicist, please!) is that figure in the headline, which I've heard in both NPR stories, seems somewhat suspect. I am sure there are plenty of figures they have available about past sales and pre-orders, but any broker will be happy to tell you that past results do not guarantee future performance. It's not even that I think this figure is wrong, even, I just cannot imagine how you arrive at a number like that. I'm sure the producers of Leatherheads expected a $40 million opening weekend, but even they held off from sending that number around. But I'm sure NPR wouldn't just pull a number from a press release and recite it as gospel, right? I'm sure they had their own video game sales analysts go over that. Right?

KARATE DEATH WEDDING

I am usually in favor of getting drunk everywhere, all the time. Even if it ends badly, at least you got to be drunk during the bad part. You feel me? But perhaps this completely boring couple (dentist and wife) from this completely boring place (PITTSBURGH) should have just like, had a few less? Fox news tells us:

"The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn — and escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid."

Yes, surprisingly, the man who karate kicked his new bride as they were about to go to bed on the night of their wedding was drunk. Several thrown planters and a night in jail later, the man, David W. Wielechowski, left jail " alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe." That is just so fucking poetic that I want to cry for futility of love all over my philosophy library (which is huge, because I'm a genius).

so gay omg

I was in a coffee shop in my neighborhood here yesterday, and I was replying to an email about a job opening. I was agonizing and agonizing over whether or not to include a little joke sentence, or to just say, "Meet you there," etc. I had spoken with this woman on the phone, and we got along well, and her email had something whimsical in the subject line about "seeing sights," so I felt like I should say something non-worky. I work in PR, so thoughts like these, hitting email tonality exactly correctly, is kind of my thing. I finally decide to say:

"I hope I have a less cloudy day than today for sight-seeing!"

I look at it, and I shake my head, and I say, "That is so gay," as I'm erasing it. I had my headphones on, and I may have spoken a bit loudly in the cafe, which was otherwise deathly quiet. I look up, and I see someone in the cafe is like staring at me with her mouth open, like how in the WORLD could I say something that offensive. And honestly I NEVER say "that is so gay," I'm not one of those people who say that reflexively about a million things. And I admit it is a stupid and offensive thing to say, and I totally felt like an asshole for having said it. But, I mean, "I hope I have a less cloudy day than today for sight-seeing!"?!?!!?! That is honestly such a gay sentence. It's either gay, or it's like something my mother would say. I guess I should have said "That is so Mom," but I didn't think of it first. My bust, universe. My bust.

Seriously?

This is a big deal? Really? God, is it 1999 again? OMG Britney Spears is wearing shorts in Rolling Stone! There are Bratz dolls everywhere, they're going to turn your girls into sluts! Don't let them watch Friends!

changed my life, man

So I was trolling some blogs yesterday, as I’m wont to do (beats working! etc). I ran across this MP3 of Judas Priest on Idolator, which was until very recently a Gawker blog. Under Nick Denton’s thumb, they were for some reason unable or unwilling to take part in the avalanche of free music that indie and major labels are currently trying to shove inside the internet. They were just bought by Buzznet (who also recently bought Stereogum), and the very first evidence of a change came yesterday in the form the MP3 of the title track from Judas Priest’s new album, Nostrodamus. To me, Judas Priest was that semi-lame “Breakin’ The Law” song, but I clicked it, because why the hell not.

And. Wow. It was just the right mix of insanity and amazing guitar work to make me think, “If the 2008 record is this good, the old ones must be amazing.” And Jesus Christ, is that true. I bought “Stained Class,” a 1978 record that AMG called “their best record of the ‘70s.” And. Wow. I have basically not stopped listening to it.

Honestly I feel like a changed man. There was Judas Priest out there this whole time, and I didn't even know! I was buying records that I THOUGHT rocked and I THOUGHT I knew what I was talking about, with my Radio Birdman and Motorhead and Slayer. But then there was Judas Priest. I'm just. . . I'm just so sorry I've neglected you, Priesty. Let's go ride motorcycles through a post-apocalyptic war zone under a blood red sky and really get to know each other.

People in the media like to give Michelle Obama shit. But I just think that's so ridiculous. Basically, I have a hard time believing that anyone in the media actually disagrees with anything she or her husband say. But they imagine that other people would disagree, so they cover it that way. Because who but an enlightened member of our 4th Estate could possibly understand or agree with people as intelligent as the Obamas? Why just the fact that they like them so much must mean that they're elitists! Despite all those votes Barack gets, and all that money he raises from small donations, and all that talk about poverty. Elitist, for sure.

Does it undercut my argument if I talk about how much I like her hair? Hopefully not, because I love that goddamn do.

Spot the Differences

One's a preachy cartoon that's gone on way too long, and the other's in the newspaper.

Lame, dude

Why is everything so lame? Like, do you remember when things were cool? Seems like forever ago, man. Noadays, you can't go and buy a 50 cent bag of Dorritos without being reminded how shitty everything is. It's not like I can point to one dude and be like, "Look, it's that motherfucker's fault everything in here is depressing and metaphorically ass-scented," you know? It's just a feeling I have. But I motherfucking dare you to step to me and disagree. I DARE YOU.

The Best Place on the Internet

There is a lot of crazy shit out there, people. Gawker rules, of course. The New Shelton Wet/Dry. Fartbot.com, which has a particularly insane holder page with the text:

"In brief, you should know the following about us: our company was established in the year 2004 and had been responsible for passersby were amazed at the amount of blood ever since. Our regular customers particularly value open hostility. "

Jesus Christ!

But it all pales in comparison to what I found tonight: FuckYou.Blogspot.com. It has one entry, from 2000, and it's fucking bleak. Let's just hope this person, Corey, is still alive. Because if you had a blog in fucking 2000, you were some kind of crazy loner dork. I'm sorry, I meant "new media visionary." Anway, please please check it out

Stuff White People Like

Is it too white of me to like Paul Simon? Is it too white of me to be self-conscious about being too white? I don't listen to it all the time or anything, I was just having some Chablis and working on my taxes, having a few cucumber sandwiches, and I just thought it seemed appropriate.

Wizard Rock

So lately I've been super into this genre of music I will call Wizard Rock. These songs have amazing guitarmonies. They may melt your face and/or shoot you into space on a rocket made out of fuzz and vintage synths. When songs aren't explicitly about magic or epic battles on the bank of a river of a specific color (white, black, hopefully red), you probably can't tell what they're about. Because there is so much feedback, and you're so high. These are songs to paint a van mural to. I highly reccomend Witchcraft, The Sword, and Danava. I put links in like a real web site!

For an older man to have sex with an underage girl—do you see that as immoral?" he was asked. "Rephrase the question," [R.] Kelly said. The reporter said: "For an older man to have sex with an underage girl—someone under 17—do you see that as immoral, if they're in love?" Kelly responded: "I really can't be the judge of that."

(above, recently-released images of 16-year-old Angelina Jolie's first modeling shoot, courtesy In Touch )