Jess, for real, stop talking

So there's been a lot of Jessica Alba on TV lately; HBO just started showing the second Fantastic Four movie, and right!now!, the SciFi Channel has a Dark Angel marathon on. Remember that show? Produced by James Cameron, Alba stars as a sort of bionic woman. It's also the answer to the question "Where the fuck did Jessica Alba come from?" Anyway, it reminded me that she is the worst actress in the world. Sometimes I forget, as I've basically never seen any of her movies (save like Sin City, but hammy, one-note acting doesn't really pop out in that film), but she is so horrible that you have to wonder how she ever got that first job, which allowed her to coast on hotness to this very day. Even single words, like "chill!" or "buddy" are endless grating and false when they spill from those lips of hers. I know I'm just supposed to want to bang her or whatever, but I honestly cannot get past how shitty her movies are. It's like if they sold a single really nice shirt in Abercrombie & Fitch; I just can't brave the music and the homoeroticism long enough to get to it.

So, allow me to offer you some advice, Jess: Stop talking. Get some endorsement contracts, sell those baby pictures to a magazine, and only take small, small film parts. Save all that money, and that's it. You win, and are lusted after and rich and happy indefinitely. No more Into The Blues or Good Luck Chucks, please. Also, this way, we won't be having to stare at your withered, lifeless naked body in ten or 15 years when your appeal starts to slip and moths start flying out of your wallet every time you open it, and the only way to make the money you KNOW you DESERVE is to go all the way. Not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular [coughSHARONSTONEcoughcough].